Who I Am

I have a crush on a boy. A big, major crush. It's embarrassing to even say... the word "crushes" makes me think of fourth grade. Doodling a boy's name in purple gel pen on your Lisa Frank binder surrounded by hearts. But I do. I have a real, grown up crush on a boy. Well, a man, technically. And it feels weird.

Partly, it makes me feel good. Light and free, practically giggly.

But a bigger part of me doesn't like how it feels. It makes me really look at myself critically... like, who would ever want to date me? I'm overweight with acne scars. I am literally mentally ill. I'm a total dork! And I am SOOOOO socially awkward. All thumbs when it comes to socializing. Flirting is not in my repertoire. When I try to flirt I come off as boorish, or downright creepy. Who would want to date that??

So here it is, all laid out. Me.

• I am not a pretty woman. I'm short and heavy. My face is... odd. Big nose! Butt chin. Acne scars. But my hair is stunning. It's been every shade of the rainbow and I love it. My tongue is pierced and I've got tattoos, and I want more. I'm in love with perfume, so at least I always smell nice.
  
• I'm a NERD. I adore Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Game of Thrones. Probably one of my favorite movies ever is The Dark Knight because I'm obsessed with Heath Ledger's Joker.
  
• I don't just LIKE these books/movies/TV shows. I LIVE them. I learn the fictional languages and memorize the maps. I buy all the behind-the-scenes books.
  
• I have schizoaffective disorder and OCD and I take medication for both. I have great days and I have SHITTY days, just like everybody.
  
• When I was 12 I was so depressed I tried to take my own life, but I was saved by a dog. She's gone now, but will forever live within me.
  
• I am unbelievably shy, but I'm better at overcoming it than I used to be.
  
• I am attracted to kind people. Funny people. Animal lovers. FELLOW GEEKS. Boys with long hair. Tattoos. Musicians. People like me.
  
• I am so AWKWARD, but I am a really nice person. Working at ACE has made me a better people-person. Better at small talk and chatter.
  
• I am a writer. It's like breathing to me.
  
• I have a dog named Mose, after Dwight Schrute's cousin, from The Office.
  
• I have three black cats, Sheldon, Amy, and Three
  
• I write to make sense of things.. thus this blog.

 I assure you, I didn't write this blog to get compliments or "Of course you're beautiful" comments. I know I'm not.  I just felt the need to write it.


Oh, and this boy? The one I like so much? Ain't gonna happen. But I felt like being honest and blogging for the first time in a long time.

And that's okay. I already have two boyfriends- Sheldon and Mose ;)

Sarah

Oh, and if Tom Hiddleston is reading this? YOU ARE MY TYPE