Who I Am

I have a crush on a boy. A big, major crush. It's embarrassing to even say... the word "crushes" makes me think of fourth grade. Doodling a boy's name in purple gel pen on your Lisa Frank binder surrounded by hearts. But I do. I have a real, grown up crush on a boy. Well, a man, technically. And it feels weird.

Partly, it makes me feel good. Light and free, practically giggly.

But a bigger part of me doesn't like how it feels. It makes me really look at myself critically... like, who would ever want to date me? I'm overweight with acne scars. I am literally mentally ill. I'm a total dork! And I am SOOOOO socially awkward. All thumbs when it comes to socializing. Flirting is not in my repertoire. When I try to flirt I come off as boorish, or downright creepy. Who would want to date that??

So here it is, all laid out. Me.

• I am not a pretty woman. I'm short and heavy. My face is... odd. Big nose! Butt chin. Acne scars. But my hair is stunning. It's been every shade of the rainbow and I love it. My tongue is pierced and I've got tattoos, and I want more. I'm in love with perfume, so at least I always smell nice.
  
• I'm a NERD. I adore Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Game of Thrones. Probably one of my favorite movies ever is The Dark Knight because I'm obsessed with Heath Ledger's Joker.
  
• I don't just LIKE these books/movies/TV shows. I LIVE them. I learn the fictional languages and memorize the maps. I buy all the behind-the-scenes books.
  
• I have schizoaffective disorder and OCD and I take medication for both. I have great days and I have SHITTY days, just like everybody.
  
• When I was 12 I was so depressed I tried to take my own life, but I was saved by a dog. She's gone now, but will forever live within me.
  
• I am unbelievably shy, but I'm better at overcoming it than I used to be.
  
• I am attracted to kind people. Funny people. Animal lovers. FELLOW GEEKS. Boys with long hair. Tattoos. Musicians. People like me.
  
• I am so AWKWARD, but I am a really nice person. Working at ACE has made me a better people-person. Better at small talk and chatter.
  
• I am a writer. It's like breathing to me.
  
• I have a dog named Mose, after Dwight Schrute's cousin, from The Office.
  
• I have three black cats, Sheldon, Amy, and Three
  
• I write to make sense of things.. thus this blog.

 I assure you, I didn't write this blog to get compliments or "Of course you're beautiful" comments. I know I'm not.  I just felt the need to write it.


Oh, and this boy? The one I like so much? Ain't gonna happen. But I felt like being honest and blogging for the first time in a long time.

And that's okay. I already have two boyfriends- Sheldon and Mose ;)

Sarah

Oh, and if Tom Hiddleston is reading this? YOU ARE MY TYPE

Day 94- Leprechauns!

Beware the Ides of March!! Happy Ides, guys. In my senior year of high school, I took a Mythology class. I actually took a Mythology class in 6th grade too, but it was dangerous thanks to the 8th grade boys throwing --literally throwing-- hard back books across the room. But that's another blog for another time and I digress. In my 12th grade Mythology class one assignment was to choose a mythological creature and do a report on them. I chose... LEPRECHAUNS! Although... are we SURE they are just myth? Let's discuss.

Growing up, I was even more apt than most to believe in the magical. Not religion... definitely not gods and angels and devils or anything. I'm talking about MAGIC! Faeries and gnomes and mermaids and Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and, hell, I'm still waiting on my letter from Hogwarts. Whole magical universes like Tolkien's "Middle Earth" and Christopher Paolini's "Alagaesia"... years later I discovered George R.R. Martin's "Westeros" and Sarah J. Maas' "Erilea". 

I came to link magic with reading and writing. That changed me as a person. An invaluable lesson. 

Just the idea of magical creatures running amok is just... awesome to imagine, ESPECIALLY little leprechauns wreaking havoc and being obnoxious. And their gold that they hoard! When I was in 2nd grade, my classmate came to school one day bragging about how she and her mother had followed the end of the rainbow and found the pot of gold! Ohhhhh, the jealousy! Not just for the gold, but for tangible proof that leprechauns exist!

I know this is not very original, but I imagine leprechauns in a very specific way. They can range in size from a, say, five year old child to a two-inch tall little being. Their hair ranges from a white blonde to a shiny, coppery red, to a ink-black swirl around their pale faces. I imagine the girl leprechauns tucking strands of their hair behind pointy ears. When they laugh, it's magical. They look at you with pretty green eyes, but you can never tell what they're thinking. They favor green clothing with shiny black buttons and worn, brown boots. 

Over ten years ago now I dressed up as one with just what was in my closet, my sister's, and my mom's.

I think leprechauns and the Borrowers are closely related; the Borrowers just aren't magical. They're the muggles to the leprechauns' wizards. And I DO believe in Borrowers! For sure. 

I always thought it would be fun to write a story from the perspective of a magical being, like a leprechaun or a fairy godmother! In fact, I have several ideas... *insert picture of me rubbing my hands together maniacally*

So no, I have never seen one. But I like thinking they're out there. That magic is out there. Different kinds of magic, too. Yes I'm mostly talking about sparks shooting from wands and disappearing and reappearing and being in multiple places at once and all that stuff, but I also like remembering magic is out there and we see it every day. Magic of dogs! Magic of people being kind to one another. I think that's the best magic of all!

.... leprechauns are a close second though ;)

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

Sarah

Day 84- Plethora

Sarah's brain strikes again.

One of my semi-frequent jobs at ACE is driving to the nearest dollar store and buying chips and cookies and snacks and coffee and creamer and sugar for the good people of ACE to snack on. Today was one such day! After completing my duties in the office, I drove my little car over to the Dollar store. We've had winter weather lately and even with pretty days like today, there were still dirty piles of snow all around, and the parking lot was full of grease-streaked puddles.

I had shoved the money in my back pocket but had the list in my hand, ready. It wasn't much of a list! I went through, remembering tidbits here and there- my uncle likes the garden salsa chips, and my aunt likes Fritos. My dad is a classic-chip kinda guy and doesn't enjoy stuff like Cool Ranch. Buying Little Debbies, one must keep in mind that "individually wrapped" is the way to go. And when it comes to cookies I just buy what I want to eat. 

I was waited on by a young lady and it made me feel kind of old. She was wearing dark clothes, had her eyebrow and lip pierced and her black straight hair hung directly in my face, her posture slouched. I was there once!!! I'm not so far from it now, but I felt old because I had to fight the urge to lean forward and pull her hair out of her face. Ahhh, what would 16-year-old me think of me now??

But I made it back to the store and distributed the goods. I'm fine with it now, but in the past these snack-excursions have given me great stress. So when I was done, I sought out my sister at the parts counter. I sauntered over.

"I made it," I bragged.

"I see that!" she answered. "Very good."

That's when I did it. 

"I got a plethora of snack food," I said, except, like the goddamned word "courtesy" the other day, my brain pictured it and I pronounced wrong. I said it "Pluh-THOR-uh" instead of "Pleth-ora." And I didn't think twice.

My sister smiled an odd smile, and tilted her head. "You know, you're usually right about these things, but I don't think that's how you pronounce it."

My brain twisted. I saw the word in the air above me. Oh, no.

"It's pleth-ora isn't it?" I said, squinting my eyes shut. "Well, shit."

She giggled. 

Just then, my dad came around the corner. It didn't take long to fill him in. He was soon cackling at me, my sister joining him. So did I, honestly.

"You know what?" I said in between hoots, "I am gonna look it up right this minute. There's a computer right in front of me."

"You don't have to look it up," my dad promised. "We know how to pronounce it."

I ignored him and googled it. The first thing to pop up was a Youtube video of how to pronounce it. (SEE??? I'm not the only one.) Sure enough, it was "pleth-ora". But my dad wasn't paying attention to the video. He was looking at the video view count. 

"NINETY THOUSAND geeks didn't know and had to look it up?" He howled. 

A little while later, my dad, sister and I were all back at the parts counter still,  working on individual projects. My dad suddenly remembered, "Mr. Montoya got his truck!" 

"Really?" I asked. Mr. Montoya is up front at ACE all the time and I'd been hearing for weeks about his fancy new truck coming in.

"Yeah!" said Dad. "Over $40,000! That is a PLETHORA of cash."

Later still, we were talking about getting new pants for the shop guys, even though we all agreed they had a plethora of pants already. Except, my dad insisted that when talking about pants "Plee-thora" sounded better for some reason.

And for the rest of the afternoon 'plethora' kept creeping its way into our conversations. 

I gotta admit, it was pretty funny. If my brain would just behave!

Sarah

Days 75, 76, and 77 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Today my car was a total and complete mess. I openly admit it. Tons of beverage bottles, paper everywhere, and worst of all, dog fluff. Bright, white dog hair courtesy of Mose.

I decided I'd go to the car wash and vacuum the interior. So today I went on a mission! Gathered quarters from EVERYWHERE and and close family members. My dad emptied his pocket change on the parts counter and we sorted through the coins. Emmy checked both in her wallet and her car. Not to mention the quarters I had already. LOTS of quarters.
I was about to leave when my dad pulled up his forklift beside me in the rental yard.
"How much did you get?"
"A shit-ton!" I exclaimed.
"A WHAT??" he asked, enunciating both words.
I just laughed and he took off on his forklift muttering "shit-ton", "shit-ton" over and over.

At the car wash I jingled the quarters into the large vacuum. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, throwing away crap and lint-rolling the seats.

For Christmas my sister gave me a car- backseat hammock-like apparatus that hooks on to the head rests, covering the seats, thus protecting the dark interior from Mose's fluff.

I'm excited to try it out!!

Tonight I plopped down on my mattress with all my cats. I twisted around so my legs and hips were still on the bed but I was doing a kind of back bend off of it. Blood rushed to my head and I giggled. I hadn't done that in years. The stretch felt good.

I know my blogging hasn't been constant lately and I apologize. But I've been making great strides with my book and that's one reason why I wanted to blog every day.. get myself in writing shape. I'll work at it!

Sarah

Day 74- Dogs.

Dogs are the best. They really are. And I say that while surrounded by cats. Blasphemy! I know, I know. But there is a magic that happens with dogs... it's hard to sum up exactly. There are no humans as good as dogs. No humans as pure. They bring out the best in people.

My dog Otis saved my life. I've told the tale often! I wouldn't have survived without her. And god, do I miss her. I miss her so much. But as much as I miss her, I am so grateful for every moment I spent with her! It was an absolute privilege and I wouldn't give it up for anything. I still wake up sometimes, early in the morning, and reach out for her on my bed.

Mose keeps me happy, laughing, and on my toes. He likes to swipe things away from me when he thinks I'm not looking- napkins, food, and in one disastrous incident, a pack of thumb tacks. I'm about ninety-eight percent sure he swallowed one. After scouring the internet for advice I fed him several tortillas since I didn't have any regular bread. He's still around to tell the tale!

I'm not a religious person. At all. But I like the idea of a dog heaven. Dogs can live there, happy as can be, waiting for their owners. Weightless, without a care in the world. I think Otis is up there now, with my Grandpa. I know I'll meet her again someday.

I have so many good memories with dogs. When Otis was just a pup, my grandpa made a 'helmet' out of a butter tub and made her wear it when she was out with the big dogs. I remember my mom teaching our dogs to woof and howl when she said "Woogie-woogie!" I remember my dad's dog, Macky, just a pup, burying her milk bones in house plants. I remember my mom and Leo getting their border collies, and how happy they each made them. 

Dogs are the best presents we could ever give ourselves. And a loving home is the best gift we can give them.

Every time I see the Raton Animal Hospital vet, Kristi, she tells me she's keeping an eye out for a pretty special pup for me, since I lost Otis. And I know I'll find one. I have a feeling it will kind of fall into my lap, like Otis did, and Mose. It doesn't take much to find a special dog- they all are! I just know I'll feel it deep in my soul.

Sarah

Day 73- Valentines!

Tonight, my sister, dad and I had our belated Valentines' dinner! It was late, thanks to me. Most of last week I spent spewing chunks and it was horrid.

My dad took part of the afternoon off. One thing to know about my dad and me, whenever I'm the least bit chilly, I tell him, "Dad, I'm cold." And then he usually responds with a smartass remark. It's just us. But anyway, after work my dad picked up my sister from ACE and came to get me since I'd driven home to let Mose out. He pulled his Dodger-blue car to a halt outside my snowy-but-shoveled front walkway. I slipped out of the front door, locking it behind me. I pulled open the backseat door, seeing my breath in the cold. "Dad, I'm cold," I whined, as I hopped in the car.
"Sarah, I don't care," he replied.
We spent the drive to Trinidad laughing and chatting about work and dogs and the multitude of marijuana dispensaries and the Bohemian Rhapsody movie, which we decided to purchase copies of after dinner.
For dinner... WONDERFUL HOUSE!! And it lived up to it's name. It was a little busy when we got there, pulling into the parking lot. My dad shut off the car and we all got out.
"Dad, I'm cold," I informed him.
"Wear more layers," he advised.
Inside, the restaurant was busy and smelled delicious. We sat at a table and we all looked at menus, even though we already knew what we were getting. Our waiter was an older man who smiles constantly and teases everybody. I ordered Wonton soup with no vegetables and he nodded seriously, scribbling down on his little notepad "Extra vegetables" he read aloud. Then his eyes lit up and he laughed.
It was an exquisite meal, marred only by a mysterious fortune cookie that read:

"German proverb: No trees touch the sky."

What does it MEAN? Does anything touch the sky? Too deep for us.

We bundled back up and headed to my dad's car.
"Dad, I"m cold," I said mildly.
"Sarah, you can walk home," he suggested.

We stopped by Walmart, Dad circling the parking lot while my sister and I ran inside and purchased three copies of Bohemian Rhapsody, as a belated Valentines' gift for all of us. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's pretty phenomenal!

It's late, but I'm about to heat up my leftovers from dinner.

One more day of work, then.... SUNDAY!!

Sarah

Day 72

Had a good day off today... did almost nothing! Tomorrow we might get more snow, and I've got to get my monthly blood draw for my Clozaril. Dyed my hair and I'm quite pleased with the results! Just had a bunch of orange TicTacs and my mouth is dyed bright orange.

That's it for now. Sometimes I wonder why I write these blogs since almost no one reads them. But it's good for me! It certainly doesn't hurt.

Sarah