Day Eight

Dear, dear Santa,

Christmas is coming up...as if you didn't know. I know you're busy and all, with less than a week until the big day, so I figured I'd get my list in to you quickly! Thank goodness for email, huh?

Forgive my cynicism, but this IS Santa, right? Not Mrs. Claus or some sort of secretary-level elf? If this is an elf, let me tell you, YOU HAVE RIGHTS! I actually saw this business in Denver once-- is this what Santa does with you in the off season?

I hope, if this is an elf receptionist, that Santa has worked out some sort of deal with you, sort of like Willy Wonka gives his Oompa Loompas safety and free cocoa beans. I don't know what tickles an elf's fancy. By the way, how distantly are you related to the Lord of the Rings elves? They're beautiful and powerful and magical and kick ass against Sauron. I take it you guys are more peace-loving. Like the Keebler Elves, just making cookies. Hey, whatever floats your boat, bud. 

But I digress! Santa! Here is my list:

• PERMANENT bright hair dye. Oh, sure, you can dye it brown as permanently as you please, but pretty bright colors such as my own only last a few weeks. Surely you, Sir Santa, can lend your magic to hair dyeing. 
• I would like some sort of vaccine against procrastination... I'd take it eventually.
• I really want Otis back, but I know it's impossible. So Santa, could you give some other 12 year old in bad shape what I had? A life saving puppy.
• I wish I could get tattoos without disappointing my family
• Could you lend me a couple of your elves? It sounds like they'd be delightful house cleaners, and god knows I need those
• WHY CAN'T SOMEONE come up with a delicious vegetable? Well, I know some people like them already. But for ME
• As evidenced by this blog, by next Christmas, I WILL (not asking!) have a very good book manuscript. Could you get me in touch with a publisher? 
• The last Game of Thrones season better be EPIC! I have no doubt it will be, but just checking. Although, come to think of it, you don't strike me as a GOT fan. I claim Targaryen as my house, our sigil a dragon, but you're probably more Baratheon. Since I don't think there are many reindeer in Westeros, a stag would have to do. 
• Could I go see my mom more often please? Air fair would be wonderful.
• I'll be honest, I'd like some more bourbon and/or vodka

As for naughty and nice, well I've done what I can. As you may recall, when I was ten or so, one night my sister was speaking to her boyfriend on the landline telephone and I interrupted. The little I knew about this boy was that he was a musician and I had just gotten an acoustic guitar and had learned about 4 chords... enough to play "You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog," with gusto! So I picked up the phone in my parents' room, set it on the bed and began to play:

[inhale, place fingers on frets correctly, deep breath] "YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A [strum chord loudly] HOUND DOG! CRYIN' ALL THE TIME!" [strum some more, horribly, awfully, ghastly]

I think that incident alone got me landed on the all-time naughty list. 

But I have some proof that I am nice a lot of the time:

• I always push my shopping cart back to the return when taking groceries to my car
• I try to be kind and conscientious to others- I always set my phone to vibrate when in a theater
• I don't throw loud parties and disrupt my neighbors
• In fact I'm a bit of a shut in and throw no parties at all
• You know what? My neighbors throw parties and I'm never invited
• I must be lame
• I have naturally occurring guilt that prevents me from wrongdoing. 

So, Santa, what shall I leave out for you on Christmas Eve? One year my coworker's grandkids insisted that you would only want buttermilk... I find that hard to believe. I could mix you a mean drink! Or you could have one of my diet Mountain Dews-- they're in the bottom left drawer of my refrigerator. You know what? Help yourself to my kitchen!

And so, Santa, here in a few days we'll be crossing paths and I hope you have some gifts for me. I don't have a chimney so you'll have to get creative. 

Thanks, big guy. And POWER TO THE ELVES!!!!!!

Sarah