I am cold today, so very very cold! And I think a cold is involved. I'm sitting on my couch, socks and slippers on my feet, my got my new sleep pants (Christmas present!) on, my hoodie over my t-shirt, and a blanket, drinking some hot chocolate and I'm just cold.
I'm watching Blow, which I had forgotten is such a good movie. That Johnny Depp, man!
In my last post, I talked about Mosey, and realized that on this blog, I have not yet spoken much about Otis. So, if you are a regular reader, or even know a thing or two about me, you know about Otis already. You probably know the story, the history that she and I shared.
I am going to talk about her anyway.
We celebrate, and I will ALWAYS celebrate, her birthday on April 20th. That's not her real birthday- she was born in May sometime. But April 20th, 2004 was the day of my suicide attempt. It just makes sense to take such an awful day and give it a positive twist! I gotta say, though, this next April 20th is gonna be hard.
'Cause she saved my life. I know that sounds horribly dramatic but it's horribly true. Some--- I can't think of a word bad and bitter enough-- EVIL person abandoned Otis and a couple of her siblings in the wee hours of a bitter cold morning and my Tissy was the only one to survive. I met her when she was a week old and I was twelve. She was young enough she needed to be fed from a bottle every few hours like any newborn, needed to be kept warm and safe and just... loved. I was up for the challenge!
When I set eyes on her, I thought she was the prettiest, most amazing thing I'd ever seen, and I had no way of knowing I was absolutely right. To this day I think she's the most beautiful thing I've ever set eyes on. Just a fuzzy potato in a cardboard box lined with towels, but my heart could see more.
And so, giving me something to live for, a life to care for far more than I cared for my own, it did the trick. I got a life I valued way more than I valued my own. We gave each other life.
She had the softest ears I've ever touched, and my hands memorized the arch of her back, the curve of her tummy. For years she slept with me and both the last thing before bed and the first thing in the morning I did was run a hand down her side, and talked to her. I told her everything. My most trustful confidant.
She lived an incredible 14 years, but it wasn't enough. No length of time would have been enough. But she was sick and hurt and I had to put her down. Talking to her right before was the most important conversation I've ever had in my life. I HAD to let her know that she saved me. I had to tell her thank you. I told her she could play with Grandpa in heaven til I got there. And when her life peacefully ended, I curled up around her in the dirt and grass just like we were going to bed. I ran my hands down her sides like I'd done a million times. I kissed her nose one last time. And I loved her. Oh, I love her.
And I miss her! Every day. New Year's day will be five months.
I just had to get it out of my system- had to tell you about her, how amazing she was, what incredible things she did... since I hadn't covered it on this blog project yet. And how could I write for a year about myself and not mention her?
Anyway, headed to bed soon. My nice WARM bed!
Mose is sleeping on my feet, snoring softly. He's a good boy, and he got to know Otis too. I think he misses her.
Sarah
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