Can I be honest with you? I watched the whole Super Bowl tonight, the first time I'v watched an entire game in quite some time. Mostly I just like the Super Bowl commercials because... here goes: I don't understand football. For years and today as well, patient family members walk me through the intricacies of the game but I just. Don't. Get. It. The lines and rules and lingo. All I understand is "TOUCHDOWN!!"
I talked to my mom last night because I took a massive fall outside and she wanted to check on me. I told her my plans to watch the Super Bowl and try to understand it and she laughed.
"You know there are a ton of 5 year old boys who understand it perfectly?" she teased.
But no, it just doesn't stick. Now, I have never played football in my life, and maybe if I had I'd get it more. But here are some sports I HAVE played... and still don't necessarily understand.
BASKETBALL. Okay. When I was very young, I fell in love with the movie "Space Jam" and therefore idolized Michael Jordan. I am not kidding when I say I wanted to BE Michael Jordan. Not "I wanna be like Mike!" No. I wanted to BE him. Which is ironic because now as a grown woman I am Michael Jordan's COMPLETE physical opposite.
So I spent quite a few hours outside "shooting hoops" in the driveway. "Shooting hoops" in my case meant chucking the basketball AT the backboard and chasing it when it bounced away. But I felt badass doing it.
A few years later I joined a local organization for kids of all ages. I was poor at best. Dribbling wasn't my thing, or passing. Or rebounding. Or "shooting hoops." Once, though, I got my shot at the bigs.
We were at the beginning of a new quarter and I got to start from the half-court line. Picturing Mr. Jordan I dribbled a couple times, listening to the crowd, feeling invincible. I looked at all my teammates gaping at my stillness. And then! I stepped over the line. Nope. Lost the ball.
I didn't play long after that.
SOCCER. I was on a soccer league one summer and all the details were lost on me. My plan was to follow all the other kids, at the back of the pack. Just blend in and don't mess up that way. But shit! Once or twice some fool passed me the ball. For a split second, I panicked. Then I kicked it in any direction I could. Like this scene from Superbad:
PING PONG. We got a ping pong table at our house one year. What I remember most is chasing down the balls, which rolled under desks and couches where the cob webs and spiders live. Forrest Gump makes ping pong look easy and effortless but I swung at the balls like they were a tiny bludger from Harry Potter's Quidditch.
BASEBALL. I have never played actual baseball, though I've been to many games. I DID play Wiffle-ball with my family in my Grandparent's back yard, and that was fun. However, I preferred sitting in the kid's fort with a ladder and a slide and commentate on the game at hand, as obnoxiously as I could.
KICKBALL. Oh, sweet Jesus. I HATED kickball. I dreaded the days we played in it school. I certainly can't catch, and I was even bad at kicking. The ball shot out in odd directions! And my classmates all hated me because when I WAS in control of the ball I didn't know where to kick it.
Ahhh, shut up.
MARCHING BAND. Band's a sport, right? And we WORK on our formations. I remember mid-school band, out in the road practicing for hours to be ready for the Homecoming parade. And you know what? I wasn't that bad!
Maybe I DO have a sporty side.
Yeah. Right.
Sarah
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