Who I Am

I have a crush on a boy. A big, major crush. It's embarrassing to even say... the word "crushes" makes me think of fourth grade. Doodling a boy's name in purple gel pen on your Lisa Frank binder surrounded by hearts. But I do. I have a real, grown up crush on a boy. Well, a man, technically. And it feels weird.

Partly, it makes me feel good. Light and free, practically giggly.

But a bigger part of me doesn't like how it feels. It makes me really look at myself critically... like, who would ever want to date me? I'm overweight with acne scars. I am literally mentally ill. I'm a total dork! And I am SOOOOO socially awkward. All thumbs when it comes to socializing. Flirting is not in my repertoire. When I try to flirt I come off as boorish, or downright creepy. Who would want to date that??

So here it is, all laid out. Me.

• I am not a pretty woman. I'm short and heavy. My face is... odd. Big nose! Butt chin. Acne scars. But my hair is stunning. It's been every shade of the rainbow and I love it. My tongue is pierced and I've got tattoos, and I want more. I'm in love with perfume, so at least I always smell nice.
  
• I'm a NERD. I adore Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and Game of Thrones. Probably one of my favorite movies ever is The Dark Knight because I'm obsessed with Heath Ledger's Joker.
  
• I don't just LIKE these books/movies/TV shows. I LIVE them. I learn the fictional languages and memorize the maps. I buy all the behind-the-scenes books.
  
• I have schizoaffective disorder and OCD and I take medication for both. I have great days and I have SHITTY days, just like everybody.
  
• When I was 12 I was so depressed I tried to take my own life, but I was saved by a dog. She's gone now, but will forever live within me.
  
• I am unbelievably shy, but I'm better at overcoming it than I used to be.
  
• I am attracted to kind people. Funny people. Animal lovers. FELLOW GEEKS. Boys with long hair. Tattoos. Musicians. People like me.
  
• I am so AWKWARD, but I am a really nice person. Working at ACE has made me a better people-person. Better at small talk and chatter.
  
• I am a writer. It's like breathing to me.
  
• I have a dog named Mose, after Dwight Schrute's cousin, from The Office.
  
• I have three black cats, Sheldon, Amy, and Three
  
• I write to make sense of things.. thus this blog.

 I assure you, I didn't write this blog to get compliments or "Of course you're beautiful" comments. I know I'm not.  I just felt the need to write it.


Oh, and this boy? The one I like so much? Ain't gonna happen. But I felt like being honest and blogging for the first time in a long time.

And that's okay. I already have two boyfriends- Sheldon and Mose ;)

Sarah

Oh, and if Tom Hiddleston is reading this? YOU ARE MY TYPE

Day 94- Leprechauns!

Beware the Ides of March!! Happy Ides, guys. In my senior year of high school, I took a Mythology class. I actually took a Mythology class in 6th grade too, but it was dangerous thanks to the 8th grade boys throwing --literally throwing-- hard back books across the room. But that's another blog for another time and I digress. In my 12th grade Mythology class one assignment was to choose a mythological creature and do a report on them. I chose... LEPRECHAUNS! Although... are we SURE they are just myth? Let's discuss.

Growing up, I was even more apt than most to believe in the magical. Not religion... definitely not gods and angels and devils or anything. I'm talking about MAGIC! Faeries and gnomes and mermaids and Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and, hell, I'm still waiting on my letter from Hogwarts. Whole magical universes like Tolkien's "Middle Earth" and Christopher Paolini's "Alagaesia"... years later I discovered George R.R. Martin's "Westeros" and Sarah J. Maas' "Erilea". 

I came to link magic with reading and writing. That changed me as a person. An invaluable lesson. 

Just the idea of magical creatures running amok is just... awesome to imagine, ESPECIALLY little leprechauns wreaking havoc and being obnoxious. And their gold that they hoard! When I was in 2nd grade, my classmate came to school one day bragging about how she and her mother had followed the end of the rainbow and found the pot of gold! Ohhhhh, the jealousy! Not just for the gold, but for tangible proof that leprechauns exist!

I know this is not very original, but I imagine leprechauns in a very specific way. They can range in size from a, say, five year old child to a two-inch tall little being. Their hair ranges from a white blonde to a shiny, coppery red, to a ink-black swirl around their pale faces. I imagine the girl leprechauns tucking strands of their hair behind pointy ears. When they laugh, it's magical. They look at you with pretty green eyes, but you can never tell what they're thinking. They favor green clothing with shiny black buttons and worn, brown boots. 

Over ten years ago now I dressed up as one with just what was in my closet, my sister's, and my mom's.

I think leprechauns and the Borrowers are closely related; the Borrowers just aren't magical. They're the muggles to the leprechauns' wizards. And I DO believe in Borrowers! For sure. 

I always thought it would be fun to write a story from the perspective of a magical being, like a leprechaun or a fairy godmother! In fact, I have several ideas... *insert picture of me rubbing my hands together maniacally*

So no, I have never seen one. But I like thinking they're out there. That magic is out there. Different kinds of magic, too. Yes I'm mostly talking about sparks shooting from wands and disappearing and reappearing and being in multiple places at once and all that stuff, but I also like remembering magic is out there and we see it every day. Magic of dogs! Magic of people being kind to one another. I think that's the best magic of all!

.... leprechauns are a close second though ;)

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

Sarah

Day 84- Plethora

Sarah's brain strikes again.

One of my semi-frequent jobs at ACE is driving to the nearest dollar store and buying chips and cookies and snacks and coffee and creamer and sugar for the good people of ACE to snack on. Today was one such day! After completing my duties in the office, I drove my little car over to the Dollar store. We've had winter weather lately and even with pretty days like today, there were still dirty piles of snow all around, and the parking lot was full of grease-streaked puddles.

I had shoved the money in my back pocket but had the list in my hand, ready. It wasn't much of a list! I went through, remembering tidbits here and there- my uncle likes the garden salsa chips, and my aunt likes Fritos. My dad is a classic-chip kinda guy and doesn't enjoy stuff like Cool Ranch. Buying Little Debbies, one must keep in mind that "individually wrapped" is the way to go. And when it comes to cookies I just buy what I want to eat. 

I was waited on by a young lady and it made me feel kind of old. She was wearing dark clothes, had her eyebrow and lip pierced and her black straight hair hung directly in my face, her posture slouched. I was there once!!! I'm not so far from it now, but I felt old because I had to fight the urge to lean forward and pull her hair out of her face. Ahhh, what would 16-year-old me think of me now??

But I made it back to the store and distributed the goods. I'm fine with it now, but in the past these snack-excursions have given me great stress. So when I was done, I sought out my sister at the parts counter. I sauntered over.

"I made it," I bragged.

"I see that!" she answered. "Very good."

That's when I did it. 

"I got a plethora of snack food," I said, except, like the goddamned word "courtesy" the other day, my brain pictured it and I pronounced wrong. I said it "Pluh-THOR-uh" instead of "Pleth-ora." And I didn't think twice.

My sister smiled an odd smile, and tilted her head. "You know, you're usually right about these things, but I don't think that's how you pronounce it."

My brain twisted. I saw the word in the air above me. Oh, no.

"It's pleth-ora isn't it?" I said, squinting my eyes shut. "Well, shit."

She giggled. 

Just then, my dad came around the corner. It didn't take long to fill him in. He was soon cackling at me, my sister joining him. So did I, honestly.

"You know what?" I said in between hoots, "I am gonna look it up right this minute. There's a computer right in front of me."

"You don't have to look it up," my dad promised. "We know how to pronounce it."

I ignored him and googled it. The first thing to pop up was a Youtube video of how to pronounce it. (SEE??? I'm not the only one.) Sure enough, it was "pleth-ora". But my dad wasn't paying attention to the video. He was looking at the video view count. 

"NINETY THOUSAND geeks didn't know and had to look it up?" He howled. 

A little while later, my dad, sister and I were all back at the parts counter still,  working on individual projects. My dad suddenly remembered, "Mr. Montoya got his truck!" 

"Really?" I asked. Mr. Montoya is up front at ACE all the time and I'd been hearing for weeks about his fancy new truck coming in.

"Yeah!" said Dad. "Over $40,000! That is a PLETHORA of cash."

Later still, we were talking about getting new pants for the shop guys, even though we all agreed they had a plethora of pants already. Except, my dad insisted that when talking about pants "Plee-thora" sounded better for some reason.

And for the rest of the afternoon 'plethora' kept creeping its way into our conversations. 

I gotta admit, it was pretty funny. If my brain would just behave!

Sarah

Days 75, 76, and 77 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Today my car was a total and complete mess. I openly admit it. Tons of beverage bottles, paper everywhere, and worst of all, dog fluff. Bright, white dog hair courtesy of Mose.

I decided I'd go to the car wash and vacuum the interior. So today I went on a mission! Gathered quarters from EVERYWHERE and and close family members. My dad emptied his pocket change on the parts counter and we sorted through the coins. Emmy checked both in her wallet and her car. Not to mention the quarters I had already. LOTS of quarters.
I was about to leave when my dad pulled up his forklift beside me in the rental yard.
"How much did you get?"
"A shit-ton!" I exclaimed.
"A WHAT??" he asked, enunciating both words.
I just laughed and he took off on his forklift muttering "shit-ton", "shit-ton" over and over.

At the car wash I jingled the quarters into the large vacuum. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, throwing away crap and lint-rolling the seats.

For Christmas my sister gave me a car- backseat hammock-like apparatus that hooks on to the head rests, covering the seats, thus protecting the dark interior from Mose's fluff.

I'm excited to try it out!!

Tonight I plopped down on my mattress with all my cats. I twisted around so my legs and hips were still on the bed but I was doing a kind of back bend off of it. Blood rushed to my head and I giggled. I hadn't done that in years. The stretch felt good.

I know my blogging hasn't been constant lately and I apologize. But I've been making great strides with my book and that's one reason why I wanted to blog every day.. get myself in writing shape. I'll work at it!

Sarah

Day 74- Dogs.

Dogs are the best. They really are. And I say that while surrounded by cats. Blasphemy! I know, I know. But there is a magic that happens with dogs... it's hard to sum up exactly. There are no humans as good as dogs. No humans as pure. They bring out the best in people.

My dog Otis saved my life. I've told the tale often! I wouldn't have survived without her. And god, do I miss her. I miss her so much. But as much as I miss her, I am so grateful for every moment I spent with her! It was an absolute privilege and I wouldn't give it up for anything. I still wake up sometimes, early in the morning, and reach out for her on my bed.

Mose keeps me happy, laughing, and on my toes. He likes to swipe things away from me when he thinks I'm not looking- napkins, food, and in one disastrous incident, a pack of thumb tacks. I'm about ninety-eight percent sure he swallowed one. After scouring the internet for advice I fed him several tortillas since I didn't have any regular bread. He's still around to tell the tale!

I'm not a religious person. At all. But I like the idea of a dog heaven. Dogs can live there, happy as can be, waiting for their owners. Weightless, without a care in the world. I think Otis is up there now, with my Grandpa. I know I'll meet her again someday.

I have so many good memories with dogs. When Otis was just a pup, my grandpa made a 'helmet' out of a butter tub and made her wear it when she was out with the big dogs. I remember my mom teaching our dogs to woof and howl when she said "Woogie-woogie!" I remember my dad's dog, Macky, just a pup, burying her milk bones in house plants. I remember my mom and Leo getting their border collies, and how happy they each made them. 

Dogs are the best presents we could ever give ourselves. And a loving home is the best gift we can give them.

Every time I see the Raton Animal Hospital vet, Kristi, she tells me she's keeping an eye out for a pretty special pup for me, since I lost Otis. And I know I'll find one. I have a feeling it will kind of fall into my lap, like Otis did, and Mose. It doesn't take much to find a special dog- they all are! I just know I'll feel it deep in my soul.

Sarah

Day 73- Valentines!

Tonight, my sister, dad and I had our belated Valentines' dinner! It was late, thanks to me. Most of last week I spent spewing chunks and it was horrid.

My dad took part of the afternoon off. One thing to know about my dad and me, whenever I'm the least bit chilly, I tell him, "Dad, I'm cold." And then he usually responds with a smartass remark. It's just us. But anyway, after work my dad picked up my sister from ACE and came to get me since I'd driven home to let Mose out. He pulled his Dodger-blue car to a halt outside my snowy-but-shoveled front walkway. I slipped out of the front door, locking it behind me. I pulled open the backseat door, seeing my breath in the cold. "Dad, I'm cold," I whined, as I hopped in the car.
"Sarah, I don't care," he replied.
We spent the drive to Trinidad laughing and chatting about work and dogs and the multitude of marijuana dispensaries and the Bohemian Rhapsody movie, which we decided to purchase copies of after dinner.
For dinner... WONDERFUL HOUSE!! And it lived up to it's name. It was a little busy when we got there, pulling into the parking lot. My dad shut off the car and we all got out.
"Dad, I'm cold," I informed him.
"Wear more layers," he advised.
Inside, the restaurant was busy and smelled delicious. We sat at a table and we all looked at menus, even though we already knew what we were getting. Our waiter was an older man who smiles constantly and teases everybody. I ordered Wonton soup with no vegetables and he nodded seriously, scribbling down on his little notepad "Extra vegetables" he read aloud. Then his eyes lit up and he laughed.
It was an exquisite meal, marred only by a mysterious fortune cookie that read:

"German proverb: No trees touch the sky."

What does it MEAN? Does anything touch the sky? Too deep for us.

We bundled back up and headed to my dad's car.
"Dad, I"m cold," I said mildly.
"Sarah, you can walk home," he suggested.

We stopped by Walmart, Dad circling the parking lot while my sister and I ran inside and purchased three copies of Bohemian Rhapsody, as a belated Valentines' gift for all of us. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's pretty phenomenal!

It's late, but I'm about to heat up my leftovers from dinner.

One more day of work, then.... SUNDAY!!

Sarah

Day 72

Had a good day off today... did almost nothing! Tomorrow we might get more snow, and I've got to get my monthly blood draw for my Clozaril. Dyed my hair and I'm quite pleased with the results! Just had a bunch of orange TicTacs and my mouth is dyed bright orange.

That's it for now. Sometimes I wonder why I write these blogs since almost no one reads them. But it's good for me! It certainly doesn't hurt.

Sarah

Day 71- Hair

I have been dying my hair since I was in 6th grade- I had just gone through a suicide attempt and I wanted to do something new to mark a new journey. I was in Pueblo with my mom and at the mall I had MasterCuts dye a red strip in my hair, It faded out pretty quickly. But in 7th grade I chose a DIY hair color- "Fish Bowl" by Special Effects. Blue/green. And the rest is history. My hair has literally been just about every color you can name. And I love it! It's cheerful and pretty and I enjoy it. Tonight I bleached my hair so the colors will be even brighter. Most of my hair is blue right now but I bleached a strip through it and I'm gonna throw a little pink in there. Exciting!

Tomorrow is my day off and I'm looking forward to doing very little...

Sarah

Day 70- Mose

Mose lies on the floor, his eyes barely open. He's lying on his right side, his electric blue eye looking up at me. I watch the curve of his side rise and fall with his breathing, a steady movement.

Suddenly, a cat hopping off the table in the kitchen captures his attention. With a small huff, he sits up and hoists himself up to go investigate. His nails click-clack on the kitchen floor, where he goes over to the cat and gives her a sniff and a gentle lick. The cat, who secretly loves him, weaves her way between his feet, bumping up against him. He sits on the floor and eyes the cat, who he not-so-secretly loves. He finds cats fascinating, but especially this one, Three. Oddly, Three was named "Three" long ago, before losing a leg. Now it's just appropriate for the three-legged feline.

Mose wanders over to the water dish, where he laps up a good mouthful of water. Seemingly changing his mind, he stops drinking and walks back towards the living room, dribbling the water in his mouth all over the floor.

"Mosey," I call. He looks up at me with his multi-colored eyes and comes to sit right in front of me. I'm on the couch, all curled up and warm. He blinks once, twice. "Mosey, do you want a chew stick?" I ask rhetorically. His ears perk up and he puts one big white paw on my knee. I reach over to the trunk that serves as a table and find him a rawhide chew bone. He blinks some more and starts to pant. I unwrap the bone from it's clear plastic wrapping and hand it over to him. He eagerly closes his jaws around it and carries it a few feet away, where he plops down on the floor again. He uses his paws to hold the bone up for chewing. Three the cat approaches and runs her fluffy tail underneath his nose. He looks up with a dog smile, and I smile back at him.

He's a good boy.

Sarah

Day 69- Winter Weather!

We woke up to several inches of snow! More, in some areas. It flurried on and off all day, the beautiful snowflakes that actually look like snowflakes are supposed to, each individually crafted, none the same, not just fluffy things like the ends of Q-tips.

My car is pretty cool, but it's not the best in snow. So my sister came to get me in our dad's car. I had just started shoveling when she got here, and she very kindly helped me finish the front walk, steps, and around my car to the street, enough room for someone walking by. After work tonight I finished up, digging out my car entirely so I might be able to drive it tomorrow, unless it snows more.

Mose doesn't seem to really care for the snow... He's a white dog but in contrast with the stark white snow, he seems almost a little brown or yellowish, like the outside of a coffee-ring staining a white plate.

I remember Otis playing in the snow, nosing her way through the freshly fallen powder. She would look up and there would be little piles of snow on her nose. I can picture her burrowing headfirst into a drift, tail straight out behind her. I miss her so much.

There are some pretty impressive snow piles around Main Street, some as tall as me!

Which, I suppose, isn't saying much...

Sarah

Day 68- T-shirts

Today was a good, pretty typical Sunday. I slept late, did little, and had dinner at my dad's house- homemade lasagna! Yum! He had been cleaning out his big closet today and brought about 10 of my realllly old black t-shirts down, for me to sort through. Thank goodness my sister was there or I would have kept them all... Lamb of God, Children of Bodom, Avenged Sevenfold, Harry Potter, Frasier. All AWESOME, all sadly too small. I kept one because it was maybe my favorite shirt of all time- Children of Bodom with the reaper on the front and a road sign in Finnish on the back. I wore this shirt to MEET Children of Bodom in. Its priceless. I dont know what I'll do with it, maybe frame the back. But I had to keep it.

Rumor has it we can expect snow for the next few days! I love wintry weather so I'm pleased.

May this week be healthier than the last!

Sarah

Day 67

I spent my night rereading my story from the very beginning. I'm torn between "That's really good!" and "Wow, this is dumb." But I'm not listening to the negative voice. Shut up, you!

We made it to the weekend! I don't have anything I HAVE to do tomorrow, which is pretty great. I think I'm gonna work on my writing. No negative voices. Sooner or later someone's gonna have to read this thing... that will be the scariest thing imaginable! I will be caught between "Be totally honest with me!" and "Ohhhhhhhh please be kind."

Tonight was a big dance at the Convention center. I was invited but declined, staying home like the toad I am.

Happy Sunday tomorrow!


Sarah

Day 66- Mutual Rescue!

Hey guys, chances are you are my friend on Facebook and have already seen, but just in case I wanted to tell you a little about a book coming out!

Mutual Rescue is an organization that celebrates the bonds and amazing connections people have with rescued animals. A about two years ago now, my mom suggested I send them MY story- mine and Otis'. They didn't choose to make it into a film, but I was very excited when they asked if they could include the story in a book. It's been a long process! But on April 8th, the book will be published! And, from now until the release date, every pre-ordered copy will have 10% of the purchase price donated to shelters like our very own Raton Humane Society, a VERY worthwhile cause. HERE is the link to the website, and if you do purchase the book, remember the code MRRATON so the Humane Society benefits!

I'm so excited to finally see it. I've collaborated with the writers of the book a lot, asking and answering questions, sending in photos, the whole deal. They are some of the nicest people!

Mostly I'm just glad because, though I lost her, Otis will have a little piece of forever in the book, and countless people will know about her and how she saved my life. Through blogs, I've told her story many times, but this is a new level. God, I miss her. I miss her so much. But she's finally getting the credit she deserves.

I love you forever, Otie.

Sarah

Day 65- Recovering Nicely!

So this week was not fun. I caught the stomach flu from hell. The night before, I felt just a little funny, but a few hours later I got rammed with it like a truck! Getting sick every 45 minutes all night long, and it stayed for days! I'm finally back on the mend. I've had two different soups today and they've both stayed down, thank goodness.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Due to my disgusting disease I only saw one human being today, but luckily he agreed to be my valentine... my dad!

Sarah

Days 63 and 64- Puke.

I haven't forgotten about blogging, I just got side-swiped by one hell of a stomach virus. It's been days and I can't seem to keep anything down. Ugh.

Happy Valentine's day tomorrow.

Sarah

Day 62 MONDAY

Today was fine, for a Monday! Work went pretty well. We put up the seed racks and have already sold a few packets.

After work, I went with my sister and a coworker for dinner and drinks at Mulligans, which was very nice. Double vodka cranberry, thank you very much.

Came home and watched some TV, then wrote for a while. My New Year's Resolution was to write a book in one year and I'm positive I'l make it. The only snag? This story is getting bigger and bigger and I fear I might not fit it into one book.... a series maybe. But a book is a book!

Ran a bunch of errands today... bank, dropped off some payments to be mailed, went to the Medicine Shoppe, went to Raton Veterinary Hospital, put Mose in because it was cold... just stuff like that. I get kind of stressy in the moment, but then I feel satisfied that I got everything done.

As a side note, I did make it to the Dollar Store and bought Mose some chew sticks. He was pretty pumped.

Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln tomorrow!

Sarah

Day 61

Sunday today! Didn't do a whole lot, but up at my dad's house, he, my sister and I watched most of the Grammys! We all felt a bit out of the loop, seeing and hearing all these bands and singers and rappers and rockers that we did not know at all. But it's still cool to watch! It's fun to see the crazy things the musicians wear.

Lately I've gotten really, REALLY into writing, which is great! It just makes going to work kind of... wah wah wah. I just wanna WRITE! And that's a good thing.

But it's about bedtime, so I had to rip myself away from writing to be responsible. It's oh so tempting to stay up and write, but no! Bad Sarah!

Good night!!

(Good) Sarah

Day 60- Lucky

They say black cats are unlucky. I've never believed it. But even if I did, the sheer number of black cats in my life must surely cancel all the bad luck out. I've got three at home, and one at work, whose name is, believe it or not, Lucky.

When I was very young, I was riding a horse one day, Boots. I wasn't a comfortable rider at all- very unsteady. We were walking downhill and the momentum caused me to topple off the horse, IN FRONT. In front of those bone-breaking hooves. I braced myself for the worst but it never came. This particular horse had been trained in rodeo- it stopped when I fell, expecting me to topple a calf. Apart from a few scrapes, I was fine.

One day I was playing in the back of my parents' pick up truck. I fell out, my head cracking against the pavement. I was fine!

Several years later, I was driving my family's gator, a sort of 6 wheeled vehicle. I had a drink and as I was going around a corner, the drink spilled. I made a lunge for it and over-corrected the wheel. The vehicle slammed into some trees, a huge branch smashing into the front seat just inches from my chest.

When I was twelve, I was suicidally depressed. I tried to take my own life. But my youth mixed with circumstance led me to failure. I'm thankful for that everyday.

I have mental health issues but I was born into a supportive family, and chance lead me to an amazing dog who saved my life.

I'd say I'm pretty lucky, wouldn't you?

Sarah

Day 59- I'm Cold Again

Still fighting a cold, but now I think I'm on the uphill side! I did became freezing cold this afternoon and had to don several hoodies and cover myself with cats- it worked!

One day tomorrow and I've got a Sunday. I do need to go shopping tomorrow... I'm out of chew sticks! It's simply unacceptable. All afternoon, Mose has been giving me "the look" and putting his paw on my knee. Poor thing.

Today was bill-paying day... never fun but it's nice to check off my list.

Been writing again, and I'm feeling really good about it! There's just this tiny, nagging bit of myself that worries if anyone will actually WANT to read it. I think it's pretty good, but what if I'm wrong? I'll have wasted a lot of time on something that doesn't matter! But for the most part I make that piece of me shut up. It's a risk I gotta take, simple as that.

Sometime in the near future I need to buy a heavy duty printer... if this book's going anywhere, it will need to be printed out eventually.

Sleep time! Good thing human illnesses don't pass through computers.

Sarah

Day 58

Today was my day off so I stayed at home and sucked back some cold medicine. I napped a lot, too. Surprise! Just didn't do much, but I did write a WHOLE LOT tonight, and that makes me feel good. There's nothing like reading back what you've written and finding yourself nodding and smiling and realizing, "This is pretty good!"

The only problem is as it gets bigger, it's harder to deal with as a whole, if that makes any sense. It's like dealing with a loose mass and little sections keep trying to escape and you have to pull them back in.

But it's late and I'm gonna go to bed! Sleep when you're whiny and sick never hurts!


Sarah

Day 57- Whine

I'm sick and I'm whiny. Not a winning combination! Just got myself a nice cold. I left work early and took some liquid cold medicine and passed out for a few hours. Had some ramen noodles and lots to drink. My animals are happy I'm home but aren't particularly good at nursing me back to health! At least I've got a day off tomorrow!

I hear it's gonna be COLD tomorrow, so keep warm!

Sarah

Day 56- How NOT to be a Badass

It's a lesson it took me a lifetime to learn, and I think it's time to share it with you!

Alright kids, this is a picture of me in 5th grade.

I was rockin' my red-rimmed eyeglasses, "natural" hair, and a super cool jean overshirt. Pre-braces, guys. Right around this time was when I fell in deeply, passionately in love with Lord of the Rings. I kept copies of the trilogy within arm distance and taught myself to speak Elvish. This was right around the time the first and second films were released and... I'll tell you a secret. I was too embarrassed to admit it but I had a huuuuuuuuuge crush on Legolas, played by Orlando Bloom. Pretty much me and every other girl who watched the films. Although! One of my classmates loved Viggo Mortensen, so there you go. I didn't mind the fact that Orlando was a good 15 years my senior. That long blonde hair? Sigh. 

One of my best birthdays ever was in 6th grade. Because that was THE RELEASE DATE for The Return of the King so for my birthday night we went and watched it. Front row, center seats. 

Good stuff. But! We have to be brutally honest here, LOTR is a bit geeky. It's beautiful and epic and moving and impressive and wonderful but... just a tad geeky. Especially when you get to the level I was at.  Wanna know another secret? I didn't give a shit now or then! I AM A GEEK.

Back in 5th grade, I got the best report card of my life- straight A pluses, across the board. I don't know if you remember them, but we used to get Weekly Reader magazines in school, which had a few articles and a quiz on the back. Well we got one about LOTR and I was so involved drooling over it that I got a "C" on the quiz. When the class found out, they gasped, and I was humiliated. But I still have that magazine.

6th grade itself was not pleasant for me, but it's when I began to develop my personal style. I got my first pair of bondage pants and got a BLACK Good Charlotte t-shirt that I wore with pride even though some guy friends thought Good Charlotte was "pansy punk." They were kinda right, especially considering the music I got into later but I'll tell you something else. Good Charlotte's songs are damn catchy! I was actually talking to a very old friend of mine recently and we agreed we were no longer ashamed to admit it. The songs were good and we LIKED them. We still do!

And again, we're back to dorky.

In 7th grade some guy friends asked if I would join their band as bass player. I was terrified to go that first night because I'd never hung out with just a bunch of guys before but it. Was. Awesome. I stayed bass player in that band, Asunder, and then we went through a lineup change and became Dead End Philosophy.

We had several different jamming locations and had the police called on us more than once. We always warmed up playing the first five tracks of "Ashes of the Wake."

Pretty badass, right? WRONG, MY FRIEND. I'll tell you the most painful secret of all. When I headbang too much I get dizzy and fall over. Yes, it's happened, and no, I don't want to talk about it.

So here I am, years later. I have crazy-colored hair which some might think is nerdy for a 27 year old, but I loooooooooooooove it. I say things like "pardon" and "oh, bother," which can't be considered cool. I still keep up with Elvish but additionally learned some Dothraki from Game of Thrones.

I am similar to Daenerys, the Mother of Dragons but I'm the Mother of Cats. I have three black cats and I love them to the point of being a dorky cat lady. And I've got an idiot for a dog that I adore.

So learn from my mistakes. Or, better yet, be AS DORKY as you want to be. Be what makes you happy.

Okay?


Excellent.

Sarah

Day 55- QUICK

I was getting ready for bed when I remembered I didn't blog today. Well, hell.

We all made it through another Monday! Lots of bookwork today. I had Chinese for dinner. I've been calling Shelly "Sheldon the Conqueror" and he's proud. Most Superbowl talk I heard today was about the commercials.

Aaaaaand BLOG!

Better next time.

Sarah

Day 54- Sarah on Sports

Today was the Super Bowl! Patriots vs. the Rams. My dad has been a Rams fan for a very long time and his allegiance and loyalty passed on to me.

Can I be honest with you? I watched the whole Super Bowl tonight, the first time I'v watched an entire game in quite some time. Mostly I just like the Super Bowl commercials because... here goes: I don't understand football. For years and today as well, patient family members walk me through the intricacies of the game but I just. Don't. Get. It. The lines and rules and lingo. All I understand is "TOUCHDOWN!!"

I talked to my mom last night because I took a massive fall outside and she wanted to check on me. I told her my plans to watch the Super Bowl and try to understand it and she laughed.
"You know there are a ton of 5 year old boys who understand it perfectly?" she teased.
But no, it just doesn't stick. Now, I have never played football in my life, and maybe if I had I'd get it more. But here are some sports I HAVE played... and still don't necessarily understand.


BASKETBALL. Okay. When I was very young, I fell in love with the movie "Space Jam" and therefore idolized Michael Jordan. I am not kidding when I say I wanted to BE Michael Jordan. Not "I wanna be like Mike!" No. I wanted to BE him. Which is ironic because now as a grown woman I am Michael Jordan's COMPLETE physical opposite.

So I spent quite a few hours outside "shooting hoops" in the driveway. "Shooting hoops" in my case meant chucking the basketball AT the backboard and chasing it when it bounced away. But I felt badass doing it.

A few years later I joined a local organization for kids of all ages. I was poor at best. Dribbling wasn't my thing, or passing. Or rebounding. Or "shooting hoops." Once, though, I got my shot at the bigs.

We were at the beginning of a new quarter and I got to start from the half-court line. Picturing Mr. Jordan I dribbled a couple times, listening to the crowd, feeling invincible. I looked at all my teammates gaping at my stillness. And then! I stepped over the line. Nope. Lost the ball.

I didn't play long after that.


SOCCER. I was on a soccer league one summer and all the details were lost on me. My plan was to follow all the other kids, at the back of the pack. Just blend in and don't mess up that way. But shit! Once or twice some fool passed me the ball. For a split second, I panicked. Then I kicked it in any direction I could. Like this scene from Superbad:

PING PONG. We got a ping pong table at our house one year. What I remember most is chasing down the balls, which rolled under desks and couches where the cob webs and spiders live. Forrest Gump makes ping pong look easy and effortless but I swung at the balls like they were a tiny bludger from Harry Potter's Quidditch.


BASEBALL. I have never played actual baseball, though I've been to many games. I DID play Wiffle-ball with my family in my Grandparent's back yard, and that was fun. However, I preferred sitting in the kid's fort with a ladder and a slide and commentate on the game at hand, as obnoxiously as I could.


KICKBALL. Oh, sweet Jesus. I HATED kickball. I dreaded the days we played in it school. I certainly can't catch, and I was even bad at kicking. The ball shot out in odd directions! And my classmates all hated me because when I WAS in control of the ball I didn't know where to kick it.
Ahhh, shut up.


MARCHING BAND. Band's a sport, right? And we WORK on our formations. I remember mid-school band, out in the road practicing for hours to be ready for the Homecoming parade. And you know what? I wasn't that bad!

Maybe I DO have a sporty side.

Yeah. Right.


Sarah

Day 53- Thoughts of a Hardware Geek

As you may/possibly/probably know by now, I work at ACE Hardware! It's not a glamorous job, nor a particularly clean one. There's grease and gasoline and paint and mud. But today I was looking around... I looked deeper. And I found something surprising- beauty in the every day work environment!

When you pull out a brand new chain saw chain from it's box, it shimmers and shines a little bit in the light, untouched by dirty hands or greasy machines. It reminds me of taking a silvery chain out of a box at the jewelers, catching the light, like liquid starlight.

In the back of we have rolls of copper tubing that looks like someone melted thousands of dollars worth of pennies, and formed them into a mesmerizing, shiny coil, just waiting to be unrolled and stretched across space and time, once currency now something entirely different.

Upfront we have hundreds of paint chips from different companies, a mesh of regular and jewel tones, effortlessly evolving from one shade to another.

In the back behind the parts counter, there are endless dusty boxes and bags of parts for chain saws, mowers, pressure washers, you name it. It reminds me of the Department of Mysteries from Harry Potter, with the towering shelves on all sides, full of parts from tiny to huge. The containers are dirty but nestled away are the parts themselves, still shiny and unused.

The pottery aisle is packed with containers, basins, bowls, and buckets of every hue and every size you can imagine. They are all crammed together, waiting to be picked and ready to hold plants and flowers.

Even being out in the Shop has a surprising charm. The walls are covered with pegboards full of tools and Stihl calendars. There's always music playing, and it feeds the chaos. If you're fortunate, you might even see a beautiful little cat named Lucky. She owns the whole shop!

I wonder... maybe I spend a little too much time there.

Sarah

Day 52- Tumble

This morning I fell down a couple of stairs outside. And it hurt!

There are two sets of concrete steps in my back yard- the first and longer set goes from my back door down to the ground level. The second is a set of two steps that descend from the ground level down to the yard level. THANKFULLY I didn't fall down the big steps because I would have cracked my head a good one!

It all happened so fast I don't really remember all of it. Approaching the bottom stairs, I was going to put Mose in his pen while I went to work. At the same time a neighbor was throwing his trash in the alley dumpster, and Mose hurtled across the yard to bark at the intruder of privacy.

That's when it happened. I don't know if I tripped or misstepped but suddenly my feet were slipping out from under me and I was hurtling down past the stairs and towards the cement walkway. WHAM. I felt it in my right shoulder first, the concrete slamming my upper arm. My glasses went flying! My left knee shot out, trying to steady my body and it scraped across the pavement. My air was knocked right out of me and I had to lie there for a minute, my hip aching.

"Are you okay??" the neighbor called.
I wanted to yell back, "You weren't supposed to see that!" but I just gave a weak, "Yeah."

I tried pushing myself up into a kneeling position and my arm trembled under the weight. My hair was full of tiny twigs and my pants were a muddy mess. It took a good few minutes to find my glasses, since I couldn't see, but thankfully they were unharmed.

But the worst part of it all? Mose didn't even notice!

Tonight I'm achey all over, and I've been taking Advil which helps a bit. I think I'll be a sore, whiny mess tomorrow...

Sarah

Day 51- Subtitles

I have spotty hearing. But not in the way you would think. I can hear quiet noises pretty well. It's just that somehow my brain takes what I hear and throws it in a mental blender. So I'm left with nonsensical words or just muddled versions of what was said and I have to ask, "What??"

You might say, "Open the door," and I hear "Close the drawer."

"'Are you new?" becomes "How are you?"

"It's about time" turns into, god knows how, "Hi there, Fraulein."

There's just a disconnect somewhere. It happens ALL THE TIME, especially when watching movies or TV shows where people have strong accents. But I am saved by the grace of...

SUBTITLES

They are my absolute favorite. If I have the option, they're on! You catch so much more that way. Like, did you know the Von Trapp children's father is actually named "Georg"? Not "Gaeogg"? I was in high school before I figured that out. Nuts.

It's to the point where in real life when speaking to someone with a heavy accent or speech problem, I find myself longing for the comfort of subtitles.

Such is life!

Sarah

Day 50- Lessons Learned

Fifty days of continuous blogging! And fifty days of working on a novel. Some of the writing has been good, some of it has been rather poor, but I'm learning as I go.

I learned that its good to write EVERY DAY, even if its just a paragraph.

I learned a life lesson that characters with lots of flaws are so much funner and more interesting to write than perfect, well-adjusted characters, and I think that says a lot about actual life... flaws make you interesting and beautiful.

I learned that most characters aren't entirely good or bad, because humans are both. That's what makes our lives so complex.

Going back and rereading, I learn what makes a good page and what makes a bad, clumpy, choppy page.

I learned to completely treasure the online dictionary and thesaurus.

I learned that reading other people's work improves my own.

I learned that my best writing is when I write about something I'd like to read.

I learned that there will always be better writers than myself, but that's no reason to not write.


I get tomorrow off! Guess what I'm gonna do :)

Sarah

Day 49- Doc Visit

Today I went to see my hematologist in Albuquerque. A few years ago, I had all SORTS of blood issues, too many and too complicated to get into now. I'm doing infinitely better! But my doctor works at the Presbyterian Rust Center in the hematology/cancer ward and whenever I go, I feel (thankfully) out of place with all of the extremely sick people around.

Today I noticed a huge amount of my fellow patients wore masks, which makes sense if you figure a good number of them are immuno-compromised and it's flu season. I'm certainly not a germaphobe but all the sick people with their masks kinda made me uncomfortable. My doctor and all the nurses use hand sanitizer constantly. It seems to be as automatic as breathing to them, and it's probably a good thing!

Today was a busy day for me and my dad because I had my appointment and my dad had a test he needed done today in Santa Fe. So he drove me to my doc, drove to his appointment, had his test done, then came and got me. So I spent a great deal of time in the waiting room. I anticipated this and brought books and had my phone so I could text my sister and mom. But sitting in the waiting room for that long.. I was completely overcome by the urge to plop down on the floor and get comfortable instead of perching on one of the chairs. I didn't, but I certainly thought about it.

If you're concerned, like I said, I am doing so well! My bloodwork is excellent and I'm in good health. I see my doc again in four months.

Sarah

Day 48- Mom!

I was watching Game of Thrones, Season 6, episode 4 when my phone beeped and vibrated to life... my mom!!

It was so good to talk to her, and I was impressed because it was waaaaaay past her bedtime. But we had a great chat about work and colonoscopies and the legal repercussions of being falsely considered deceased. Long story!!

But talking to her on the phone is great. Not as good as in person, but still, I can sense her breathing and feel the sharp exhale when she laughs. I can hear dogs and cats in the background, sometimes Leo! I hear the faint sound of the TV on, or something sizzling on the stove.

I told her of an upcoming doctors appointment and she told me about her job. She has a crazy, busy life, and it means a lot that she finds the time to call my sister and me.

We have a tentative vacation scheduled in a few months.. nothing is in stone yet, but I can't wait! Doesn't really matter WHERE we go, I just care about the company.

Sarah

Day 47- Sleep!

I love sleeping. I love sleeping so much. It's one of my favorite pastimes! And sleep likes me right back. I don't doze. Never. I downright pass out! I had to buy and extra-loud alarm clock with an extension that vibrates my mattress just to wake up!

And it's Monday tomorrow so sonic-boom alarm clock or no, I need to get some sleep! As if I didn't get enough today...

I had a good day today! I enjoy my Sundays. My dad always makes dinner for my sister and me! He always mixes me a vodka cranberry and then teases me about being a lush. I always take Mose with me, too. Depending on the weather, sometimes I roll down the back windows so he can stick his head out. Too cold today!

But like I said, it's bedtime... for stupid Monday. We can expect cold weather tomorrow, which will leave me in a lurch concerning leaving Mose inside or out, and then second-guessing my decision for the rest of the day.

I have to worry about something!!

Sarah

Day 46- A Tale or Two

I ran away from home once.

It was many, many years ago, after a heavy summer rain. My mom, sister and I went for a walk out in the mist and puddles, and I was wearing a great pair of rubber boots. They came up to my skinned knees, and I waded deep into the puddles and little ponds that the rain had left. The mud made great squelchy noises and sucked at my feet. The further I went in, the harder it was to lift my booted feet out of the sludge until-- I couldn't pull my boots out at all! Try as I might, I couldn't get my galoshes out of the ooze! My feet slipped right out.

"Mom!" I squawked.
"What?" she answered.
"Help!" I demanded. And she did! She came over and heaved me and the boots out of the mud puddle. We were very close to my Grandparents' house at the time, just down the road. I could see their house from the puddles on the side of the road, where I started stomping again.

And again, I got stuck!

"Mom!" I screeched.
"Yes?" she asked.
"Help!" I implored. So she trudged over and saved me once again, but with a warning this time.
"Don't get stuck again," she told me. "You can splash around all you want but don't get too deep or you'll get stuck."

You can probably guess what happened next.

I watched my feet as the rainwater gushed around my boots, covering the feet quickly. I waded deeper. The mud started tugging at my boots. I wrenched one foot out, and plummeted it back down, where it stuck. I pulled at the other boot, to find it buried even deeper.

"Mom!" I wailed.
"Nope," she answered. "Remember what I told you?"
"But Mooo-ooom," I whined.
"You gotta get yourself out." And she and my sister KEPT WALKING. The injustice!! They rounded a corner and left my sight. I looked down at my feet sunk deep in the mud. The boots weren't coming out so I had to step out of the boots, the mud squishing around my bare toes.
I had to assess my situation. Clearly my mother and sister were lost to me. Out of sight, out of mind. And they were traitors, leaving me in the MUD. So I knew what I must do. I had to go where I would be loved and appreciated and never left in the muck. So barefoot, I set out for my Grandparent's house!

Imagine my chagrin when they weren't home. I sat on the porch and pouted for a minute, before heading back to the road where my boots were left, submerged. I was trying to yank them loose when my mom and sister rounded the corner again and headed back towards me.

I waited for apologies that never came. But they did free me from the mud, and when we got home I sat on the kitchen counter with my feet in the sink, washing off the dry crusty muck.

Turns out, this is something of a family trait! My dad told me not long ago the story of his runaway experience:

"One day I got it into my head to run away. I told your Grandma, and she was very understanding. She fixed me up a little pack of sandwiches and snacks, and sent me on my way. I walked a few blocks before getting hungry, and I sat down on the curb and ate all my food. After that, I had no choice but to go back home."

A life of adventure thwarted!

Sarah

Day 45- It's Time

Hello to my estimated 7-12 regular readers! Today I thought I'd let you know what things have been occupying my mind, entertainment-wise. What I've been enjoying when not writing silly blogs and working.


Game of Thrones.

It's the biggest, so we'll start with it. I have loved the series for years now, and with the 8th and final season coming in April, I charged myself with the task of rewatching ALL the episodes before then, so all the plots and subplots and sub-subplots will be fresh in my mind! It's been a week or ten days and I'm at Season 6, Episode 5. So I think I'll make it.

I have heard people before asking "What is so great about Game of Thrones? Why is everyone so into it?" Well, I can only speak for myself, but I think it's fascinating! You HAVE to realize, going into it, that some of it's gonna be awful, you just have to. It doesn't flinch away from violence or gore or sexuality. The language is rough. The subject matter can be extremely controversial. But it is so smart and so well written, and it gets you hooked right away! Like I mentioned before, plots are braided within plots, and storylines are spun so masterfully that they never get tangled... or maybe they ALWAYS get tangled and that's the point. I have been known to watch an entire season in one night when I get the season in the mail and have no work the day after. The morning after, my sister has woken to find dozen of texts sent throughout the night, chronicling the ups and downs and sideways and twists and turns and total and complete stops. Such is Game of Thrones!

Throne of Glass series

Not related to Game of Thrones! This is a book series I fell completely in love with, after picking up the first book at Barnes & Nobles on a complete whim. I can't resist a girl badass and that is exactly what these books follow- a young female assassin who can totally and completely take care of herself. But these books also have plot twists and different storylines and complicated characters. Every book in the series gets crazier, and keeps you reading, desperately waiting for what comes next.

THE TRY GUYS

So there's this website called YouTube where you can find just about anything in the whole wide world. One of the channels is... yep, The Try Guys! It's a group of four guys who, like their name suggests, TRY different things on camera. I swear, just look up "Try Guys" on YouTube and you'll see videos ranging from wearing pregnancy bellies to (legally and safely) testing out alcohol and how it affects driving, baking bread with no recipe, to trying out "extreme swimsuits". Everything IMAGINABLE! They are clever and honest and downright hilarious. I believe they started on Buzzfeed and grew from there. My sister just had a birthday and I bought her an OFFICIAL Try Guys mug because we both love love love them.

ANIMALS

Surprise!!! Between herding cats and trying to teach Mose left from right, they keep me busy.

Sarah

Day 44- Laundry Day

I get Thursdays off, and I love my Thursdays! I sleep late and do little. I DID do laundry today, though, several loads!

My laundry room is in my basement, and Mose REFUSES to go down with me. I don't need him down there of course, but even if I did, I couldn't get him downstairs. He prefers to stand at the edge of the stairs and bark and howl and whine, like he's afraid the basement swallowed me up whole and he'd never, ever, ever see me again, EVER.

Mose likes Thursdays, too. He gets to hang out with me and the cats!  The cats themselves don't seem to care one way or the other... they're cats.

Last night, I went with my dad and sister to Trinidad- celebratory dinner at Wonderful House for my sister's birthday! Afterwards, we stopped at Walmart- milk, dog bones, and... the most DECADENT thing you can imagine- a velvet black hoodie for me, on clearance! You can't even imagine how lovely it is.

I continue on with my Game of Thrones binge- almost to Season 6! I will be READY come April.

Sarah

Day 43- Lucky

I have a lot of black cats in my life, but tonight I want to tell you about one in particular- Lucky.

Lucky lives in the Shop at ACE. That alone qualifies her as a badass. She curls up on seats of heavy machinery and sleeps. She bothers the guys who work out there as often as she pleases.She likes to sit on their shoulders while they work. Every so often she gets the urge and manages to sneak her way out of the Shop, into the parts area of the building. She never wants to go any further! She just likes to sit on the parts counter or my dad's desk, right where you can't use the computer without petting her. 

In the springtime she spends a lot of time in the Greenhouses, where she is something of a celebrity. I've noticed that women and children are drawn to her, talking to her and petting her, but men go absolutely nuts about her and spend the whole time their significant other (or whoever else dragged them in there) is shopping. They find bits of string or wiggle their fingers so she gets wild and chases them.

She is naturally small in stature, with a short tail. She can be counted upon to be covered in dirt and grease and small wood chips from the chainsaw testing log where she rolls around. 

People come in and out of the shop door often, plus the large garage doors are open a fair bit of the time, so she comes in and out as often as she pleases. She likes to sleep on the bags of lawn mowers out in the sun and has a couple nest-like locales inside the Shop. 

Years ago, she had a small litter of kittens- Betty and Bobby, who now live with my dad. So she's getting older, but you'd never guess it. She RUNS the whole rental yard! 

Just thought I'd tell you about our friend.

Sarah

Day 42- Jokes!

I'm out of creative ideas so today you get jokes that I've collected. You're welcome.


How expensive are dead batteries?

They're free of charge.


How much does a pirate want to pierce your ears?

A buccaneer!


What's the name of the most famous duck spy?

James Pond


If you're Russian on the way to the bathroom and Finnish when you're done, what are you IN the bathroom?

European


What do you say to someone with three eyeballs?

Ay, ay, ay.


What kind of footwear to spies use?

Sneakers


What do you call a male ladybug?

Confused


What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.


What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey!


Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

It was two-tired



When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.



I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.



Hope your Tuesday was nice!

Sarah

Day 41- Emmy!

One of my favorite people in the whole wide world has a birthday tomorrow-- my sister! Her name's Elizabeth but she'll always be Emmy to me.

I will always, always, always look up to her. She is just plain awesome, and a badass. Seriously! She recently took charge of the Parts Counter at work, very much a woman in a "man's job" but she's great at it. AND she puts out candy! Can you think of a better trait?? Lately pretty much everyone who works at ACE goes by once or twice a day for a Tootsie Roll and a chat. She's popular! And customers actually like dealing with her because she is kind and patient and smart and capable.

I always know that if I need help or advice I can come to her, no question about it. She's honest and patient and doesn't judge me. I don't know if it's a big sister thing or just her, but she is quite protective of me! When she hears that someone has been giving me crap, she's ready to whoop some ass! She is so much braver than me. She's just... an amazing person.

She teases me sometimes, and about 99.99% of the time I totally and completely deserve it. Today she told me to drop off a UPS package at a "drop spot", or if it didn't fit, Burns Hardware. Now this may seem nice and easy peasy to you, but this kind of thing freaks me out! But she and my dad talked me through it, and when it was all over and done with they both listened, laughing, as I told them The Story of The UPS Box That Wouldn't Fit. I had to talk to a stranger in a strange place and everything!

Sometimes people see us together and ask if we are sisters. It's always a compliment to me because she is beautiful. Inside and out.

And tomorrow is her birthday! Tonight I wrapped her presents up (except one that hasn't even been SENT yet, thank you internet) and tomorrow we will feast on Chinese food in her honor!

So Happy Birthday to my big sister, my best friend, who named Otis, who is ALWAYS there for me. And who shows me great books and TV shows. "HAPPY NAME DAY" as they say in Westeros.

I love you.

Sa

Day 40

Forty days of blogs! I've been blogging for 40 days and 40 nights... forgive the bible reference, but it IS Sunday.

You want to know what's bothering me, right HERE and right NOW? My refrigerator keeps opening of it's own accord. I have to tape it shut. I just looked over from my couch into my kitchen and saw Sheldon perusing the contents, fridge light pouring out onto the kitchen floor.

Speaking of Sheldon, I have a new nickname for him- Sheldon the Conqueror. It's inspired by Game of Thrones, of course, Aegon the Conqueror! I have to reason to call him that, except of the -on at the end of his name.

Dinner at my dad's house tonight! Shrimp, mmmmm. I always take Mose with me when I visit my dad's. It's good for him to play with other dogs, plus he gets to ride in the car, and he gets to run amok around my dad's house. Anyway, I was sitting at my dad's kitchen table when my sister came through the door. She was laughing.
"What?" I asked, smiling.
"You know how you say Mose isn't that smart? I've got more proof! When he heard my car coming, he ran out to greet me, circling the house the long way, and missed me entirely. He stopped at the edge of the driveway and had no idea I'd already parked until I yelled his name."

If you're wondering, I've made no real progress concerning teaching Mose left and right.

I'm gonna go tape up my fridge.

Sarah

Day 39- LOG is Lamb of God

Tonight I went with my sister and some friends to see Secondhand play at the Icehouse. I didn't stay for the whole performance, but I've watched them before, and just watching the band jam out together took me back...

I don't know if you know this, but I have actually been in several bands. The Raton Mid-school and High School bands, of course, clarinet! First chair in mid-school, second chair in high school.

But I also played bass in two metal bands! Asunder first, then Dead End Philosophy. And playing bass for them was one of the coolest things I've ever done.

I had really just started playing the bass when a friend from school asked if I would be interested in joining him, his brother, and a few friends in a metal band. I really wasn't that good but they were all so nice to me! And they taught me so much.

I had known this friend for a year or two, but I remember back before I actually knew him I was fascinated with his school binder. It was covered in band names, some I knew well- AC/DC, Led Zeppelin. But some I was completely puzzled by. What did "LOG" stand for, and what the hell was a "Bodom" and why did it have children?

But playing in Asunder, and then Dead End Philosophy, I learned the answer to these riddles, and so much more! And I made friends. Great, great friends. We lost Johnny Ray just weeks after he graduated, but I'm so glad I had the chance to know him.

I don't play much anymore but when I do it comes back. My cousin asked me a few weeks ago what my favorite song to jam out to was and I told him "96 Quite Bitter Beings" by CKY and he didn't know them at all, and that made me feel old. But I also told him "Schism" by Tool and he very much knew that song and band.

D.E.P. actually got to play in Albuquerque at The Cell, and that was pretty awesome. We were the first of several bands to play that night, but there was a crowd there and we rocked out and it was pretty amazing.

So watching Secondhand play tonight was fun. They are really good, and it just took me back! I have been working now and then on my memoirs, and I have a lot to say about my years in the metal bands... so many memories come back, like The Cell, and getting the cops called on us when we practiced.

Good times.

Sarah

Day 38- Just a Day

Today was a Friday, and it was a good day. We got a little winter weather! Cold, blowing, wet snow. I enjoy bad weather, especially after work, when I could snuggle up in my house with all my animals and listen to the wind howl.

Just one day of work left this week, and then I get my Sunday off. Unfortunately, we do not get this coming Monday off work, even though Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is observed by banks and the schools. Not ACE!

I continue my Game of Thrones binge-watching experience. I'm nearing season four already! And I'm learning more and more Dothraki. Me nem nesa! It is known.

The other day, some family sent me a big box full of BEAUTIFUL Lord of the Rings-related books. I love them! What a great gift to receive.

I promised to blog every single day, and that's what I'm gonna do, even if it's just a blog like this one!

Sarah

Day 37- Needles!

I'm not an exceedingly brave person. I can admit it! I'm scared of large crowds of people, and going through security at airports, and talking on the telephone, and spiders. Ughhh, spiders!

But there is one thing most people fear, or at least strongly dislike, that I can brag doesn't bother me a bit: needles. And I'm not trying to boast about the tattoo/piercing aspect- I don't have that many. No, those don't bother me either, but what I'm specifically talking about, and am absolutely fine with, is medical needles- shots, blood draws.

So I'm on this incredible medicine called Clozaril. It has done WONDERS for me! But there is a price- blood draws every 4 weeks- for years now, and all the foreseeable years to come. It can mess with your white blood count, and in extremity, can be very, very bad for you. So it must be carefully monitored. And before Clozaril, I was on Lithium for a very long time, and had frequent, periodical blood draws for that, too.

On a different aspect, two different times in my life after suffering through blood clots, I had to give myself shots in the stomach every morning for weeks. I'm not trying to be a badass or anything, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds.

The second fight I had I had with blood clots, along with anemia (which doesn't make much sense, I know- I had some weird blood stuff going on) I actually had to have a blood transfusion. It took a few hours. I watched the bag of blood slowly draining away, down the tubes and into my arm. It certainly didn't hurt! It was just strange to see.

So this morning was this month's blood draw- they all know me at the lab! They greet me by name and ask about my family and ACE. They have my orders on standby. And almost every single time, they get the blood from the back of my left hand- it's just easiest for some reason.

Honestly, the worst part of being on Clozaril isn't the blood draws. It's after, when I have to leave it to all the labs to test it correctly and contact my pharmacy so I can get my refill.

Sarah

Day 36- My Dog has Heterochromia

... that's just a fancy way of saying he has two different colored eyes. I know those eyes well! They gaze right into my heart, and I love them. I love the dog they belong to! Mosey. Even if he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not the brightest crayon in the box. I know it's awful to call him rude names! It's just the facts. I mean, the dog once ate a thumb tack!

I am, however, trying to teach Mose a new trick. I am trying to see if I can teach him left and right, by doling out tiny Milkbones from each hand, while naming the hand. I can't honestly say if it will work, or why I'm bothering. But why not?? Mose "sits" and "shakes" with his paw. Let's see what else this pup can do!


I am almost through rewatching Game of Thrones Season 2. Good stuff! I continue on.

I get a day off tomorrow, which is always nice.

Last night I posted an excerpt from the book I'm working on and I got really good responses, so thank you to everyone who read it! It made me feel really good to get positive responses. And tomorrow, I plan to write for a while. I like when everything starts to come together.

Sarah

Day 35- EXCERPT

I thought tonight I would gather some courage and let you read an excerpt from the novel I'm working on. I can't tell you how scary this is for me! For whatever reason, writing about my life is easy. I just write the truth. But welcoming you into my head, where the stories are written, is just plain frightening.

Here's a little background: The book is about a girl, possibly with mental illness, who falls into piracy, during the Golden Age of piracy. The story is written from her point of view, and it's up to the reader to decide if she is crazy or can just see things no one else is sensitive enough to be aware of.

I don't know if I'm afraid you'll think it's stupid or silly or horrible or just makes no sense at all. But I have to share it eventually, right? This is towards the beginning. Our main character, Charlie, has, that day, cut her own face, in the shape of a "C", like her deeply beloved, deceased Grandfather used to trace on her temple and cheek. This is Charlie's very unpleasant father's arrival. Warning! It's not very nice. And forgive the language! Here goes:

And arrive, he did. Late, as usual, and clouded in an aroma of smoke and drink and lady’s perfume. I wasn’t supposed to notice, these things, but I couldn’t help it.

As soon as he came through the door, he kicked at the doorframe, knocking loose clumps of dried mud and manure. He shrugged out of his coat and threw it at my mother like she was a hat rack. It was an understandable mistake really. Unlike usual, when she waited for him in the parlor, she was standing right next to the door, her posture straighter than most iron rods. She caught the coat and hung it up.

“Good evening, darling,” she said stiffly.

“Get me a glass of whiskey,” he said by way of a reply.

All this I witnessed from my assigned chair in the parlor. My father was not yet aware of the incident with the scalpel, or the resulting doctor’s visit. My hand absentmindedly stroked the cut over the bandages. “’C’ for Charlie,” I heard Grandfather’s voice say.

“He’s not here to help you now,” said a different voice. One of the Hidden, Tristyn, I knew, but his voice was so close-sounding, like his lips were by my ear, that I craned my head around and looked for the source.

“Oy!” said a third voice from the doorway. Father. He held onto the doorframe and stumbled a bit. I didn’t need to ask to know he’d been at Reginald’s Tavern already. “What’s that on your face?”

I often wondered what he thought my name was—what he called me in his mind. To most I was Charlie, to my mother, Charlotte. But I couldn’t remember the last time he actually called me by a name other than “you”. Most often, he omitted a title entirely.

I squared my shoulders and took a deep, steadying breath. Pussyfooting around the subject would do me no favors with him.

“I cut it,” I said clearly. “Mother called Dr. Dryson in, but she didn’t need to. It’s not—“

“Hold on a fucking minute!” he bellowed, then moved unsteadily towards me. It was only then that I realized just how inebriated he was. I noticed Mother was nowhere to be seen, probably a very wise decision on her part. He stumbled across the room, tripping on a threadbare rug, and catching his balance by grabbing the armrest on a chair. Then, moving faster than I would have expected, he seized my throat and shoved me back into the sofa.

His voice alarmingly and deadly soft, he said, “You’re wasting my good money on a doctor because you want to be hurt? You should have told me. I’ll do it myself for free. And we won’t call no goddamn doctor, neither.”

“Darling,” Mother’s voice trilled from the doorway. “Why don’t you take a bit of a lie-down while Charlotte and I prepare supper?”

Slowly, Father released his grip on my throat and straightened up, weaving ever-so-slightly. I could smell the heavy, yeasty scent of ale on his hand. I wondered if Father would remember this later. No, my hidden friend was exactly right. Grandfather wasn’t here to help me now.

It makes my heart pound just to think people will read this! I know it's kind of awful, but Charlie really does have a meaningful life, as a pirate, as an individuated person. I want you to be honest, but at the same time, be gentle!! Haha! I am so scared. But it's time to start sharing it, because it makes me more eager to work on it and improve it.

I promise it gets better, and makes more sense if you read more, but this is all you get for now!

Sarah

Day 34- I Must Confess...

I can be really annoying sometimes.

You gasp! Oh, it's true. I can be EXTREMELY irritating. IF I had to sum up one quality that leads to my most vexing behavior, I would say... "obsessive." It's my tendency to be obsessive about things that does it most.

How?

When I get into a new book series, or TV show, or band, or hobby, or DINOSAURS, etc., I let the whole world know! I talk about it and blog about it and buy t-shirts. 

But mostly, it's my OCD tendencies that drive my loved ones MAD. I am a checker. An obsessive, ANNOYING, uncontrollable, non-stop CHECKER. I do it at home by myself all the time, which is nice since there's no one to bother:

"Is my fridge closed with no cats inside?"

"Is my stove on?"
"Are my alarms set?"

"Do I know where all three cats are?"

"Did I turn my lights off?"

"Am I SURE the cats aren't in the fridge?"

"What time is it? Really? Better check again."

"CHECK. CHECK. CHECK."

But it's out with my family that I tend to get super annoying. I make lists and repeat them several times to whoever is around. We make plans, and ten minutes later, I ask my loved ones to repeat the plans, as if they changed in the last ten minutes. I do it all the time. I annoy MYSELF!! I drive them crazy and I can't blame them for getting peeved because I know if our places were switched I'd get awfully tired of it too. 

It's just something that I have to try to work on. Trusting myself.

And I'm sorry to my family :( Thank you for putting up with me!!

I love you.

Sarah

Day 33

My hair is nice and bright! Freshly dyed. It makes me feel good!

It's Monday tomorrow, unfortunately. But I had a good day today, and did very little.

We were supposed to get more snow, but didn't.

My Game of Thones binge continues! I have until April 14th, which is plenty of time. Like I said on Facebook, I need to brush up on my Dothraki too. Elvish will always be my fictional language of choice, but Dothraki is harsh and guttural and fun.

"Anha zhilak yera norethaan." That's "I love you completely" in Dothraki. I tell Mose that every night.

And that's my blog for tonight! I promise to write better and longer blogs! I just.. I said "everyday" and I intend to follow that through. Even when I end up writing blogs like this one. It's just the principle of the thing!

Sarah

Day 32

I have no great ideas to blog about tonight, so I'm gonna tell you exactly where I sit, by what, and how I feel. Just me in the moment.

I am sitting on a battered black couch. It was rough when I got it, and cats' scratching has done it no favors. But it is comfortable and along with me, two cats sit on it, sleeping. My dog, Mose slumbers restlessly on the floor, constantly bothered with the sound coming off of Game of Thrones, Season One, episode 4. I am binge-watching! The next and final season of GoT premieres this April, and I've decided to rewatch the entire series before seeing the end. I talk endlessly about the series with some people I work with, and I want to keep everything sharp!

On the couch next to me is a heap of books and boxes and hoodies and jackets. The boxes are from a Christmas present from my sister, Pet Giftboxes. They send a box every month with toys and chewsticks and other cool stuff. There is a theme every month and this month was "Chewrassic World" and the toys were almost too cute to give to Mose.

To my left, I have a small table littered with cups and bottles and a bag full of Hershey's Kisses that my sister bought me. In front of me is an old trunk that used to be in my Grandmother's house that now serves as a coffee table. On it are several clocks to match the six hanging on the wall in front of me. There are also chewsticks and a tub of markers and pens and junk. There is another heap of books on this trunk, and about five heaps' worth of books on a bookshelf next to the table.

From where I sit I can see a bookshelf completely COVERED in geeky stuff, some of my favorite things I own. Figurines from GoT, Star Wars, the Big Bang Theory, Harry Potter, Fight Club, Supernatural, and the Boondock Saints. There are random statues and bottles I've collected. On the very bottom shelf is another heap of books. I proudly display letter openers shaped like blades from Lord of the Rings, next to several Harry Potter wands from two of my favorite characters, Snape and Sirius Black. Up on top is my collection of dragons.

The entire room I am in is covered in artwork, mine and other peoples'. That and books. Books everywhere. There is a baby-gate in the doorway that leads to my bedroom because Mose likes to sneak in there and chew on stuff. The cats just hop over it as they please.

Tonight I bleached the roots of my hair so tomorrow I can dye it brightly! I keep catching reflections of my hair and doing a double take. "Bleached" is not a look that I can pull off.

Have a happy Sunday!

Sarah

Day 31- LIES CATS TELL

Of course, every cat is different. But there are some similarities I think most pet (psshhh! They're wild) cats have. And those are lies that they tell us, their humans. I think even if you have never had cats before, you will find these to be true. What do you think?

• "I haven't eaten. In years." The MOST COMMON LIE of them all. You will hear this daily.
  
• "The red laser dot means nothing to me." Big fat lie. They are conditioned to listen even for the click of the laser, to find the red temptress and SMITE IT.
  
• "I would never tear around the house at 3:00 am." Indeed, 3 am is prime cat-craziness hours. They get this insane surge of energy and rip from one end of the house to the other, like kids play the "floor is lava" game and you do anything to NOT touch the floor. From chair to couch to table to countertop.
  
• "Hairballs are my gift to you." You may dispose of them, human, and consider yourself lucky.
  
• *like a Jedi mind trick* "The bed is for the caaaaaaats." The bed is for the caaaaaa-- WAIT!! It's working! No! Beds are for humans!
  
• "The dog is a total idiot." No, the dog is sane. That's the big difference.
  
• "Of course I didn't sleep all day." I call BULLSHIT! When I come home to my house and my cats are all inexplicably warm... it takes no great leap of logic to conclude they have been sleeping in the afternoon sunlight for hours.
  
• *another Jedi mind trick* "You must let me stay with you in the baaaaaathroom." Contrary to their belief, they will not perish if you don't let them watch you pee and bathe. But I'll admit, on more than one occasion I have broken down and let my cats join me. It seems like a trivial thing to make them content.
  
• "I'm a direct descendant of 'Bagheera', of the Jungle Book." Just because they are black cats does not mean they are children of an actual black panther of Asia of Africa. Warning, though, this is a big blow to their ego.
  
• "I still haven't eaten, human." This sounds familiar.
  
• "I own you." Well, maybe not such a lie.

What lies do they tell YOU?

Sarah

Day 30- Excursion

Today I had a doctor's appointment in the big city... oh yeah, that's right! Pueblo, Colorado! And my sister (I call her Emmy) went with me. We had a pretty freakin' good time! My appointment was at two so we left town a little before noon. We decided I would drop her off at the mall to shop and hopefully get a hair cut while I was at my appointment, and I would join her later.

The Pueblo Mall has a Master Cuts so Emmy proactively went online to see if she could book an appointment ahead of time. The problem? No openings until Monday the 14th! We were pretty puzzled why it was early January and they were totally swamped at Master Cuts... it's sort of odd timing. But she decided to try anyway.. she just wanted a trim!

The drive up went just fine. We jammed out to a burned CD, her singing well, me shrieking the lyrics. We talked about all our plans for the afternoon.. when you live in Raton, a day in the big city is pretty exciting. To HAVE CHOICES of where to eat and shop... it's pretty stellar.

Just pulling into Pueblo, off to the side of the road over by some big businesses, there was this huge group of cars bumper to bumper. The line went on forever! We weren't sure what kind of procession it was, or where they were all going.
I leaned over in the front seat. "Hey," I muttered, "That must be the line for Master Cuts."
Emmy snorted and swatted my arm.

LUCKILY she was able to get her hair trim with no problems whatsoever. It turns out the online calendar can't really be trusted.

My appointment went very well, and I met up with my sister at the mall. We shopped for a long time! And then we headed to Target. Pretty much everything on my list was pet-related. You see, my cats' absolute, all-time favorite brand of cat crunchers is... FRISKIES INDOOR DELIGHTS!! And I can't always get them here in Raton so I bought a huge bag. Target was already decked out for Valentine's Day and Emmy bought me a bag of Hershey's kisses. She's pretty cool like that.

I took approximately 3 minutes and thirty seconds in Barnes and Nobles, for a Game of Thrones calendar.. I get one every year.

We dined at Olive Garden and it was delicious. An odd thing did happen, though. I drank way too much water and had to visit the ladies room. I saw in the first stall, a pair of boots kind of pointed at the toilet, which is, obviously, the wrong direction for common women's bathroom etiquette. I wondered absently if she was sick or something, but there were no signs of puking. I was washing my hands when the woman emerged from the stall, looking sheepish.
"Hi," I said awkwardly. ACE has me trained to greet perfect strangers. It's kind of funny and kind of bizarre.
"Hello," she said and held out her hand. Car keys! "Dropped them right in," she laughed kind of hysterically. "At least it wasn't my phone!"
I left her as she began washing them off. One was an electric car key and it made me cringe to see her hold it under the faucet, but I guess it had already had it in the toilet.

Emmy and I jammed out to the same CD on repeat the whole way home. When she dropped me off at my house, Mose squealed from the back yard. It was a "Where the hell have you been???" cry that kind of tugged at my heartstrings and made me laugh at the same time.

I have new pants to wear tomorrow!

Sarah

Day 29- Grandma Remembered

Today was my Grandma's memorial service and it was really, really nice.

Monty McGowen officiated and did a great job. He spoke about my grandma and he spoke about my grandpa too, and their years together. About their businesses and family.

After the service, we met at KBobs, and out came the stories. People sat at tables here and there, swapping stories about Gram and Gramp, and ACE and Coast to Coast. My aunt did an amazing job of compiling books of photos and memories, things that my grandma had held onto, things she valued.

Naturally, it made me think about my grandparents a lot. I remember wanting to learn how to sew, so my Gram got out an embroidery hoop, needle, and thread and helped pencil out a design to follow. I sat at her kitchen table and worked at it for good 20 minutes before I realized I had been embroidering right onto her kitchen tablecloth! She just thought it was funny.

When I was younger, I was especially gullible when it came to my Grandpa. Whenever I went to their house for lunch, we sat at the table, me with my back to a window. Lunch after lunch, he would point at something behind me and exclaim, and like a dope I would excitedly turn to see the moose or eagle or whatever he thought of that day. When I turned back around, he would have stolen my drink, or my fork, or sometimes my whole damn plate. I would pretend to be annoyed and he would laugh and laugh.

A very long time ago, Gram and Gramp drove my sister and I out to Nebraska to see relatives, and it was quite a trip! I learned how to swim on that trip! And we talked Grampa into trying a Fruit Roll-Up and he took a big bite... without knowing you have to take the plastic off first. On the way home, we got pulled over, and while Gramp and Gram were talking casually to the police officer, I drew a portrait of the man. That police portrait stayed on their fridge for a long time.

A couple years ago, I was driving my Gram from ACE to her house and she was reading me something- a letter or a magazine or something. And I marveled at how just hearing her voice took me back.. it made me feel younger, like when I would lean into her side, sitting on the couch, reading books together. Her voice was just so familiar.

And Grampa taught me to play cards... but he CHEATED!! One more than one occasion, I caught him, literally, with cards up his sleeve. And he would just cackle.

It's memories like these that will stay with me forever, and I will love them forever.

Today was a beautiful service for a beautiful person.

Love, Sarah

Day 28- Pure Poetry

Today was a very normal Tuesday. Tomorrow is my Grandma's memorial service. My sister gave me a pretty dress to wear, because I want to look nice for Gram. I'm glad we're having this service because I know a lot of people knew her, liked her, cared for her.

I have no real thoughts for a blog tonight, so I'm gonna treat you all to some of my poetry.

WHAT!!! you gasp. Poetry? Sarah? Well before you get yourself into a tizzy, it's not quality poetry, and I didn't write it to be poetic, if that makes any sense at all.
We'll start slow. I wrote this a verrrrrrrrrrrry long time ago. Think 6ish. I was a huge Space Jam fan and you might notice similarities between my poem and R, Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly."

"I wish I could fly.
I wish I could soar across the sky.
Every night and every day I wish I could fly,
but, instead, I sigh."

Thank you, thank you, please hold the applause.

The next ones are much more recent, inspired by pets.

Do you know "On a Bicycle Built for Two"? Here:

TO THAT TUNE, I have written two different versions. This is Sheldon's:

"Sheldon, Sheldon, you are a handsome cat.
Yes, I said it! What do you think about that?
You are a good looking kitty,
You're cool and nice and witty,
But by my word, you sound absurd
When you cry like a little brat."

And Mose's:

"Mosey, Mosey, what are you up to now?
Oh, you drive me crazy, kind of like Mad Cow.
You are a handsome bupper, 
I bet you'd like some supper,
But goodness me, You're totally
Colored like a milk cow."

See, this is why I don't write poetry.

But another one, to the tune of "Santa Baby":

"Otie, baby, slip a squeaky under the tree for me,
You been an awful good girl, Otie baby.
So let's get you a chew stick tonight."

And one last Otis one, to the tune of "I'm a Little Teapot":

Oat's a pretty puppy, 
yes she is,
She is my best friend
Nicknamed "Tiss"

All I can say is, you're welcome. :)

Sarah

Day 27- Ahhhhhhhh

Tonight I watched "Titanic", which is an awesome, moving film, but not the cheeriest.

So I thought I'd make a list of things that make me feel good and content!

• Replacing old light bulbs. Especially when the bulb has been out for quite some time. Suddenly. BAM! You have all this light you weren't aware existed. You know, if you want to get deep, that could absolutely be a metaphor for other aspects of life!
  
• Selecting a perfume for the day. Every day, I dress and spritz on a little perfume. I'm kind of a perfume fiend and I have A LOT of bottles, so it all comes down to my mood that day.
  
• Making mental and physical lists, especially schedules, and following them to the letter or minute. Drives my dad and sister absolutely crazy because when things aren't exactly like I planned, I get anxiety, to the point of panic. This post started as a list.
  
• Making Mose do his one set of tricks: Sit, Shake! and praising him like he's an absolute genius. It warms my heart because he's not the brightest crayon in the box, but I've taught him this set of tricks and he KNOWS it! All that's left is if he WANTS to. I rub his ears and pet his head and say, "Who's my smart boy?!" and he gets a hit of contentment as well.
  
• The absolute basics: eating when hungry, drinking when thirsty, sleeping when tired, peeing when ya gotta go! Basics are the BEST.
  
• Playing something on the piano or bass and just NAILING it. There's this zone you can get into when you're jamming sometimes and it's pretty awesome. Your fingers never get klutzy and awkward, but sweep over the keyboard of frets.
  
• Scooping Shelly up and bouncing him around like a baby until he purrs. I think he likes it as much as I do.
  
• Having newly dyed hair. When the color is deep and rich I feel pretty.
  
• Rereading things I've read and actually liking them a lot. Makes me feel like I'm on the right track. It makes me proud.
  
• Finishing a book and setting it down, letting the words consume you, totally swept away. And then you find out there's a sequel!

Hey guys, we made it through Monday!

Sarah